Idiot

Im a fucking idiot. i dont deserve to live.

Obstacle Removed

I told Mo today that im an atheist. Id been wobbling back and forth for a bit, She was just that extra push i needed in one direction. I told her, and she feels like a hiprocite. I told her, she didnt do anything, I just dont want this obstacle between uss.
I love you, Mo.

Religion

Religion: The Ultimate Obstacle.
Im A christian, she isnt. What else can I say?
We had a long talk about it today. I pressured her into trying ift for a bit, to see if it went alright. She said yes
I took it back 5 minutes later.
I told her how i didnt want to pressure her into something she didnt really want to do. She certainly has the heart for it, it's in there somewhere. I just need to help her discover it.
Shes had her troubles. Her first boyfriend, matt, aka scumbag, was a christian, and cheated on her. Her family split up partyl because of religion differences. Shes stubborn about it, but I'm convinced that somewhere in her, she really wantts to try it. Until then, I'll spend my time trying not to bring it up. Wont work though.

Im afraid this is hurting our relationship.

Please god, help her to understand...

from mo's blog:
Dear God,

I can't believe i'm actually writing you one, but believe it or not, i am. Sure, it wasn't originally my idea to, but hey, i'm writing.Don't take this the wrong way, but i still don't think religion is a good thing. I'm sure you're told this alot, and i'm sorry i can't be someone that agrees with you, personally. Well, if you're as Great and All Seeing as everybody says you are, i'm sure you understand my reasons.Anyways, the main reason why i'm writing, is because i'm doing it on Trial. I'm not sure how this is going to go, but i hope it goes the way it's supposed.If you even care,Mo.

Dear Dan,

Today has got to be the scariest day i've ever had. The entire time you were talking, i was just waiting for you to say "i can't take it anymore". I mean, i know you wouldn't, but it felt like it. I'm not that confident in things like this. And the conversation topic just made me feel worse. Literally, i almost cried during it. I know you mean well, and i agree, it would give us something else in common. But, as lame as this sounds, i don't want to. I like who i am.Yes, you did tell me afterwards that you didn't mean to pressure me into something i didn't want. But i could tell that you were only saying that to be nice. I understand that you really do want me to do this for you. And i'll try. But, for this, i'm not making any promises on the results.One day down, two more to go.Love,Mo.

Losing

Ive lost 2 friends from this. A few guys I know off the internet, thought we were friends, then they turned around and laughed.
One of them went so far as to say after 3 months, we would be over, and he would laugh.
Yeah right.
Today, Mo told me she was saving her first kiss for me. Tears hit me.
Her fantasy: she wants to have her first kiss to be in the rain. As I think about it, its rather romantic, adding the crashing and feeling of being soaked to the romance of the first kiss. Im saving mine too.
I always tell her, I don't deserve her, and that shes stuck with me. She thinks its my low self esteem talking, but its really just the fact that theres no guy on this earth that deserves her. It heartens me, knowing she thinks I come pretty close.
Love you, mo.

Crazy

Last night, I asked her to marry me when we meet. I don't know why. I meant it, but as I think about it more, its beginning to scare me.
She said one bite at a time, thank god. I dont know what came over me there, but I do want a life with her.
Weve both admitted we have our problems. But at least we know them. So far, our relationship has been nearly secretless, completely open and trusting,.

"It's weird. Using your name, that is. Going from saying Dirkpitt for months, and suddenly changing it to Dan. Then again, i guess alot of things have changed, huh?I know that you think i'll never understand how much you love me, but i do. I just like to be oblivious to it sometimes. Makes the headaches ease up a bit. No offense to you, of course.I'm also aware of how much you hate me disagreeing with you on the "beautiful" and such things. Don't be mad (if you are, that is). It's just one of those things that you grow up hearing all your life, and when someone tries and change what you know, it's hard to let go. But, i guess you already know that about me from the L word.Yes, i'm going to keep referring to it that way. I might already admit to loving you, which i do, but i'm still shy about saying it other than that. Again, bad habit.I'm not sure when or if i'll ever tell my friends about you. It was hard enough trying to explain that to Katy, my bestest friend-almost sister, and she understands everything about me. So, i don't know if my other friends would handle it. I just hope that when or if they find out, they'll be happy for me. Which, i'm sure they would be.I'm keeping you to your promise about October 25th. No matter what happens, one of us is buying a one way ticket. That's the only promise i ask for you to keep.Thanks for being here.Love,Mo "

She wrote that. Sometimes I wonder if she means it. I think she shows it, but you never know, right?
On august 8th, shes leaving. Wont talk to her most likely, sept maybe a few times, but itll be back to the crappy computer.
This part touched me:
Her mother, who she absolutely hates... Shes going to try to go to her house as much as she can, so she can talk to me. I got a bit choked up. Its overwhelming to know that somebody loves me so much, and the fact that its mo just drives me crazy.

Plans

First off, Mo told her friend. It was too late. Theyre no longer friends, something i feel guilty about, but she tells me it isnt my fault.
For somebody so young, I had a plan in life. go to school ,college, become an architect. After all this, they're gone. On my 18th birthday, im buying a plane ticket to Arkansas. Hopefully, itll be one way. but its oging to happen.

Afraid

Im afraid now. We've been going good for a few days, but her friend came back from vacation. The same one that ended our relationship before. This time, im prepared to fight back. I love mo like nothing I've ever felt before, I'll fight to the death for her heart.

My god....

One of my friends, omarlobo. He knew about this blog, though i told him not to show it to her.
No suprise, he did. She read everything..... and we talked about it. it was then that i realized that i would never have another guy friend like omar. he was there for me the whole itme. He BEGGED HER to give me a chance. She still believes i cant keep the promis i made when i said i wouldnt let us drift apart. I meant it, and i plan on keeping that promise in ouor future relationship.
Thank you, omar.

Keep on writing...

I can't stop writing about my feelings. I always feel lonely when she isnt here, counting the minutes to when she will be. If this is what heartbrealk feels like, I hope i dont feel it much longer.
So i sit here, lonely as ever, thinking to myself:
When will you truly understand, mo?
Will you ever, truly understand?

Also, one more thing before this post is posted:
I may have understood what heatbreak is...
but now I understand what love is too. For those of you who say a 14 year old is too young to know what love is, youre wrong. Its mo.

Another Day of Longing

My friend invited me to a party today. Games, fun, friends, all that stuff. I said yes, because i need to get out more. He didn't know, I would have rather stayed home and talked to mo.

We had a bit of a disagreement yesterday, nothing major. She says shes been sending mixed signals. I told her that they werent mixed, they all pointed toward that direction.
She told me that she wasnt sure if it was the right direction. I think it is.
One of the problems she has is the fact that shes had nothing but bad luck with, "the L word." Love.
I believe i can convince her to love the word again, its so beautiful, the most amazing thing on earth. If its real.
Its real for me.
So, ill probably talk to her later today... The problem is, the closer friends we get, the farther away from a relationship we get. Or maybe its closer. I dont know at this point.

There have been a few times where the thought of stopping all contact with her has drifted into my head... it always leaves immediately. If I cant have her as a partner, I have to be happy with her as a friend... for now.

I just wish she understood...

What happened today.

First off, the chocolate sauce keeps coming up. Its a long story, but basically i made a joke about covering her whole body with chocolate sauce while she was asleep, and it went from there.
Hoops came home from vacation today. He went out with 2 women at one time (didnt happen).
He also said he has a girlfriend whos 15, which also did not happen.
Lastly, he asked about mo. Though weve broken up, I'm still extremely defensive, and I basically cursed him out, telling him not to ask me about my girlfriend anymore.

Should I let go of something that she believes isnt meant to be? As hard as I try, I can't. Talking to her everyday just makes me crazy.

*sigh* here goes...

Ok, so heres the deal. For about, i dont know, a year, maybe? Ive been friends with this girl named Mo, who has nearly crossed the line of absolute perfection. Shes sweet, she listens, shes funny, cares, beautiful- I can't stop thinking about her. Only problem is- we know eachother online.
If you plan to pass judgement, stop here.
Heres the story. For the time the we knew eachother, we became great friends, sharing everything with eachother. She'd tell me the problems she had, and I'd help her with them and try to comfort her, maybe turn them into a joke if she was really feeling down.
Then recently, we began to talk on yahoo, where previously we had been chatting through site messages, which worked out ok.
Once we began to talk on yahoo, we had more fun than ever, olaying truth or dare, things like that.
One day I invited somebody i know, hoops, to join in.
After the game, and knowing her for A HALF AND HOUR, he decided he had to have her.
After an hour of consistent arguing, I left the chatroom. Later, mo asked me why I had been so defensive. As soon as she asked me that, it hit me: I was in love with mo.
I couldnt stand too much secrecy, its just the way I am, so i confessed my feelings. 10 seconds later i told her i was just messing around, which she wasnt too happy with, but we moved on. Thats the great thing about mo, she doesnt blow things out of porportion, if i spelled that right.
Tomorrow, I asked her to ask me some really deep, and painful questions, a game I liked to play once in a while. After a half hour of slowly building her to it, she finally asked the question: Did i mean it or not. I told her the truth.
Then, I gave her 3 choices, 1. stay friends, 2. confess returned feelings, or 3. tell me to go away, and leave her aloone, even as a friend. She told me there was no way she would let me go, even if she had to chain me to a tree. I just sat there.
So now, she had 2 choices. I expected her to pick one immediately, turns out i was wrong. she told me I made her laugh, was a really sweet guy, and seems to always care about her problems. Wouldnt you believe it, she picked 2. I was amazed a beautiful girl like her would say anything like that about a guy like me.

So, we tried a relationship. It lasted all of 3 days. Her extremely jealous friend, who i believe is a nazi, would have none of it. So, by what she though was mutual agreement, we broke up. I acted ok with it, but inside I was heartbroken.
So, eventually, after a lot of talking, anger, sleep loss, appetite loss, and heartbreak, we cleaned the slate. Though we talk like were friends now, despite her cute way of flirting, I can't get her out of my head. I still love her, and for as long as I talk to her, I wont stop loving her. all of you who didnt listen to my warning before, dont pass judgement.
You wouldnt understand untill you mean a woman like mo: beautiful, intelligent, sweet, funny, and almost a little sexy in a cute way.